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9 Common Mistakes
Women Make that Prevent Men from Commitment
By: Norka Blackman-Richards
You’ve been dating this really cool
guy. You enjoy each other’s company, and you have a lot in common. But
while all the signs he is giving seem to be saying that he’s in love,
he does not commit. When you approach the topic he says he’s not ready,
or that he doesn’t want the relationship to be spoiled by the formality
of a commitment. Or perhaps you have not brought it up because you are afraid
of scaring him off. But you want to know what’s up? What’s keeping
him from popping the question and making a commitment?
Listed below are 10 of the most common mistakes
women make that prevent men from committing. But there is a warning, you
might know and have friends who have done precisely some of the things
blacklisted here, and they still manage to maneuver a commitment out of a
guy. So, what’s up with that? Reality is that an expensive ring, a
passionate proposal, and even a lovely wedding do not prove that a man is
totally committed to a woman. While all of these things make for a great
romantic story they do not guarantee a marriage that is lasting and genuine.
So here some of the tactics that women need
to eliminate if they are looking for serious commitment:
1. Giving him boyfriend
rights too soon – Your work number, your car keys, access to your apartment
and anything there in, passwords, PINS and codes to private accounts (even
e-mail), none of these things should be given to the man you are simply hoping
will be the one. A woman needs to be cautious about her private information.
I am not advocating secrecy and intrigue. But, whenever you share too much
of yourself to soon, you are practically giving over the control of your
life to a stranger.
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2. Demanding girlfriend
rights – Let me be real, romantic text messages, long telephone
conversations, cool dates, and passionate kisses do not make you his girlfriend.
You are only his girlfriend when he has made it clear through specific words,
repeated times, that he is committed to you only. Otherwise, for most guys
you are just the cool girl he’s currently hanging out with. Unfair?
I know, but too many women get caught up in this game.
Honestly now, even if you’ve already lost
all sense of foresight and became sexually intimate with him, this still
does not mean that he is committed. Unless he says so, in his mind, all of
the above do not give you the right to demand commitment or exclusivity rights.
3. Loaning money and buying stuff – In
a day and age where debt is a major issue for many, clear boundaries about
money need to be established early on. Unless you are engaged and with a
set date for the wedding, finances need to be kept clear and separate.
No thanks to our nurturing spirit, women have
this crazy quirk that we show our love by buying stuff. Some women will buy
stuff for their boyfriends without ever getting anything decent from him
in return. Some buy expensive stuff that otherwise the guy could never afford,
or buy, for himself. I have known women who have even bought cars for undeserving
men. Gifting and money loaning do not guarantee commitment, but they do open
the door to exploitation.
4. Singing the story
of your life – Your life story, who you dated in the past, how much
money you make, blah blah blah - all of this is private. Once again becoming
emotionally intimate too soon can open up a big can of worms, and it does
not secure commitment. It only provides him with private information. Be
cautious about what you share and how soon in the relationship you share.
Sharing is a two-way street. It must be reciprocal, and done only after complete
trust has been established between both. Also you need to make sure that
he is man enough, mature enough, and trustworthy enough to handle your stuff.
5. Performing sexual
favors in exchange for a ring – This is old, but generation after generation
women continue to believe that sex will hold a man long enough to make him
commit. Who can blame us? Movies, magazines, artists, men themselves, have
all proclaimed that sex comes before commitment. In fact, for many women
sex is a sign of commitment. Sex, in a man’s mind, provides great physical
gratification, but it is never a warranty for emotional and spiritual commitment.
He may willingly share his body, but that does not mean that his heart is
yours.
6. Introducing him
as “uncle” – Single mothers beware! This is emotionally damaging
to your kids. Not only is it confusing, but you are being dishonest. He is
not their uncle or future daddy – he is the guy you are currently dating.
As the parent your priority should always be to protect your child’s
emotional wellbeing and your own integrity. If your child’s father is
not committed to having a relationship with his child, your child is already
suffering the betrayal of one significant adult. You cannot afford to become
the other traitor, or even worse bring another one into the scene. How does
your child feel about who you are dating? You think this is not their business
- it is. Remember that your boyfriend is also entering into a relationship
with your child.
7. Becoming the
commander-in-chief – Many women fear being emotionally hurt so as a
measure of protection they feel the need to call the shots. They regulate
where he goes, who he hangs out with, what he does when she is not around,
what he wears – everything. Your taking charge simply says to him that
he’s not capable. In other words, he is not man enough. So, why should
he commit to another woman who will treat him like a boy? He already has
a mommy. Love cannot be forced or regulated.
8. Using your biological clock as a threat –
Children are not a certification of marital bliss, so using your biological
clock as a hook is not wise. He might believe you, you get married, you get
pregnant, you have children, and after all that – his heart is still
not in it and he can walk away.
9. Taking on the drama queen role - He knows
you are manipulating him. But, he plays into the cycle anyway. You put on
the ugly crying, wailing about him not loving you, not appreciating all that
you’ve done for him, and then you threaten to leave or worse kill yourself.
He then promises to change, to do things differently, he swears he cares
for you. You kiss and make up. But guess what? He still has not committed
to you. He has only given you a pacifier to cool things down. Deep down you
know that the relationship is going no where, but you secretly hope that
one day he’ll take you seriously. Girlfriend, it’s pointless.
~~~~~~~~~~~
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Article by:
Norka Blackman-Richards
is an educator, writer and motivational speaker on women issues. She is the
founder of www.4realwomen.com Visit
her site to subscribe to her FREE monthly newsletter with more great lists
like this one, or contact her at norka12@4realwomen.com
|
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What you absolutely must know about him to make him yours!
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| Getting To Commitment
Mr. Steven Carter's great insights into
relationship dynamics are presented here in an easy-to-understand language,
and without overdoing the psychological perspectives. Many commitment questions
are answered here in this book. A must read for anyone afflicted with commitment
issues or involved with someone who is.
|
| He's Scared, She's Scared
Available for the first time in paperback,
this follow-up to the phenomenally successful
Men Who Can't Love tackles
the issue of commitmentphobia, that persistent obstacle to truly satisfying
contemporary relationships. Authors Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol explore
why modern men and women are torn between the desire for intimacy and the
equally intense need for independence. Drawing on numerous interviews and
real-life scenarios, and written with humor, insight, and the kind of wisdom
gained by personal experience,
He's
Scared, She's Scared offes guidance for all of us who want genuine,
sustained intimacy with our romantic partners.
|
| Men Who Can't Love
This book saved me from going crazy and
from wasting any more of my precious time with a man who is a consumate
commitmentphobic. I got this book after a therapist friend of mine said that
all my complaining and moaning about my commitmentphobic boyfriend sounded
just like the people in this book she'd read -
"Men
Who Can't Love". I got on line and nabbed a copy. What
a life saver! My jaw dropped as I read this book because it describes the
behaviors of commitmentphobics precisely as I have been experiencing my
boyfriend's behavior. It's so true that the more I pressed him for answers
while trying to understand his avoidant behaviors, the more he withdrew from
me. "I don't wanna talk about it" is his mantra. All his behaviors were laid
out like his biography in this book. It was shocking and revealing at the
same time.
|
| I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline
Personality
This is a
great book for an inside look at Borderline Personality Disorder. If you
have a person with BPD in life this book is a must have. If you have BPD
it will help you understand that some of your behaviors that seem unusual
to other are understandable and can be explained and
treated. |
|
